An unusual post today, I’m asking for you the reader to contribute for a change.
In answer to today’s title, what is the worst movie ever made? Don’t just stop at the title, give a little editorial providing why it’s so bad.
The only condition is that the film must involve comic books, cartoon characters or have sci-fi elements.
The genre should make things very easy, but just in case, here are some examples…
Doc Savage – The Man of Bronze
I have a soft spot for director George Pal (director of The War of the Worlds, The Time Machine, the 7 Faces of Dr. Lao, and The Wonderful World of The Brothers Grimm) , yet still this cult film is a real stinker. With an opening featuring a themesong made from a reworking of popular football tune the Thunderer by John Philip Sousa (with the USA highlighted in red white and blue) and an audible twinkle in the smile from our hero, you know you’re in trouble.
While the movie tries quite hard to stick to the original pulp material, it misunderstands the source material as being cute and kiddie. A contemporary of the Shadow, Lester Dent’s Doc Savage was a brilliant and indestructible adventurer who worked alongside a group of experts called the Fabulous Five from his amazing penthouse headquarters.
With George Pal directing and former Tarzan actor Robert Ely as the lead, you’d figure all the right pieces were in place.
The details of Doc Savage’s world are slavishly recreated with such skill that it almost… almost distracts from the terrible acting of the cast and the campy script. A real shame since the intentions of the filmmakers are obviously so sincere yet they fall so far from the mark in execution.
I rented this from a local video store in Cambridge when my mate from college visited in 1999 and the film was so dull that we lost interest and chatted for a while, forgetting that the video was playing until the cataclysmic final battle.
The finale is the most bizarre fight scene in any movie, with the hero and villain resorting to numerous style of martial arts while the name of the fighting style is displayed on the screen apparently for those wishing to investigate for themselves.
Sadly, supuku was not included.
The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle
Robert (this looks like a fun movie) De Niro, Rene (Who?) Russo and Jason (peaked with Seinfeld) Alexander are packed like calzone filling into what ends up being an embarassment for all. They play the villainous vaudevillian opponents to the loveable yet bumbling stars of this film that extends a five minute joke into a feature-length project.
Being a fan of the original corny cartoon will not save you here. Despite the incredibly impressive cartoon/real life composite scenes, the movie is more of a bore than anything else. With neither the wit nor the spirit of the similar cartoon/live action movie ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit?’, the viewer is left wondering who this is for.
The performances are all send-ups with only the innocent FBI agent Karen Sympathy being a straight role (and since it’s a toss up as to which is worse, the character or the actress, this doesn’t help). The premise, the characters and the format are all post-modern statements (the Fearless Leader’s plan is to hypnotize people with Really Bad TV) yet they are all humorless failures as jokes. The entire movie ends up being an exercise in watching actors pretend to be cartoon characters… which is probably the worst way to spend 2 hours since Dick Tracy.
Battle Beyond the Stars
My mom and I have a theory on movies; if the cast is full of ‘one-time-stars,’ worry. It always spells doom for a movie. Just look at the poster above. Big star names such as George Peppard, James Cameron, and Robert Vaugh might distract you from the name printed above them all… Roger Corman.
Now, before you misunderstand my slating of this movie, hear me out on Roger Corman.
Without Corman, we’d never have Robert Rodriguez, Tarrantino or any of the innovators of independent guerilla cinema… yet I still salute him.
A man who could make a sci-fi epic with a lackluster script , thrown together models and actors chosen because they had the whole weekend open, Corman is not a man to be slated lightly. After all, his Fantastic Four film is far superior to the big budget version… so he knows what he’s doing.
After looking at what George Lucas achieved with Star Wars and what the Star Trek Motion Picture failed to provide for fans (though I adore it), Corman apparently shrugged and thought to himself, ‘I can make a film the people want.’
Full of straight lifts from Star Wars including George Peppard’s poor man’s Han Solo urging TV’s John Boy, Richard Thomas in a mad outer space dog fight, it becomes clear that Battle From Beyond the Stars has a simple mission: Come as close as you can to other movies, yet retain enough differences so that it’s not an exact plagaristic mess.
It achieves this mission, but is even campier and glitzier than Star Wars and far more interested in space battles than exploring the human soul or alien cultures as Star Trek ever was.
Laughable characters, slim plot and cheesy special effects, however, do not come close to the film’s biggest flaw: it remains the only movie to feature a spaceship that has clearly visible breasts.
So that’s my two cents… what are yours?
